Krishna on Lust!

King Srigaalava Vasudeva of Karavirapura claimed himself to be Lord Vishnu and was troubling people to worship him.  Uddhava, the most cherished friend of Krishna was sent on a mission by Krishna to meet the King. Uddhava tried through talks to the King and make him realize his fault. While he was staying there, he fell in love with Shaibya, the niece of the King. Shaibya’s stunning beauty and elegant look pulled Uddhava like a firefly enticed to light. She was devoted to her uncle and so Uddhava’s talks with her uncle had made her consider Uddhava as a nemesis. She hardly looked up at Uddhava. Uddhava, because of his feelings for Shaibya, was unable to decide on what to do with King Srigaalava. In the meantime, as it was taking such a long time for Uddhava, Krishna sensed a matter of seriousness and drove to Karavirapura along with Balram. Listening to Uddhava’s words about King Srigaalava, Krishna tries talking with the King. Not ready to listen to Krishna’s words, the King calls Krishna for one to one battle. In the battle Krishna beheads King Srigaalava, right in front of the eyes of Shaibya. With the death of the king, Shaibya feels enraged at both Krishna and Uddhava.

Sandipani and Shvetaketu 

Krishna knows about Shaibya while he was in the Gurukul. His Guru Sandipani’s foremost disciple was Acharya Shvetaketu. One day, Acharya Shvetaketu saw Shaibya near his Guru’s ashram and fell in love with her. He was so much in love with her that he even left the Ashram and became King Srigaalava Vasudeva’s associate, just for her sake. Shaibya also fell in love with him. She, along with Shvetaketu was waiting for the approval of their wedding from her uncle. But now that her uncle is dead, her heart was filled with fury and rage upon Krishna. Krishna, along with Uddhava, Balram and Dhamaghosha stays in Karavirapura for some time to restore peace and administration.

During their stay in Karavirapura, Krishna meets Shvetaketu in private and persuades him. “Shvetaketu, Shaibya has lost her beloved uncle. She is enraged upon me. That’s natural for humans. Wait till her rage dwindles. Till she fights herself back and be back to her senses to understand dharma. She is so much succumbed to her loss that she won’t be able to show love on you or anyone. Take good care of her and wait for her, till she shares with you the love and respect she had for her uncle.”

“Oh! Krishna, I knew what King Srigaalava did was wrong. But I was not able to stop him because of my love for her. I understand what you did for him is dharma. She has lost her only hope, her uncle. I will keep up to what you say. Take my word. I will take good care of her and will wait till she understands why her uncle’s fate ended like this.” – Shvetaketu assured Krishna to take care of her and the city.

With word of assurance from Shvetaketu, Krishna along with Uddhava, Balram and Damaghosha left for Dwaraka. On their way back, Krishna along with Balram and Damaghosha were in a chariot while Uddhava, being in-charge of the caravan, rode on the horse-back all through the way. Krishna, a very concerned friend, was worried about Uddhava. During all the time that they had lived together, in these 21 years, he has never seen Uddhava so constrained, and so absent-minded, behaving so strangely. Though a man of a few words, he has always been an open-hearted person with Krishna. But, right from the day Krishna was in Karavirapura, Uddhava was behaving different. He was avoiding Krishna’s gaze. He never met Krishna alone like they usually do every night, conversing all night. This worried Krishna and he sensed some change in Uddhava.

On their way to Dwaraka, they all stopped for the night. Uddhava was spending his time with the soldiers, trying to shun Krishna. Due to Krishna’s persistent claim, Uddhava promised to dine with Balram, Krishna and Damaghosha. After dinner, everyone went for bed after a short conversation.  All four of them were sleeping under the same tent. Balram and Damaghosha were already fast asleep. Krishna, who usually sleeps once he retires to bed, kept awake as he noticed Uddhava tossing uneasily from side to side, signifying that he is having a sleepless night. Unable to bear the pain for his friend, Krishna got up from his bed silently and went towards Uddhava. Krishna placed his hand on the shoulders of Uddhava. Uddhava was startled to see Krishna awake all this time. “Uddhava, I need to talk to you. Come outside. Will you?”- Krishna spoke in a soft and concerned voice. Uddhava followed Krishna outside the tent.

The night was so dark and silent. It was late night and the moon was up in the sky trying to help the soldiers who were guarding while the trees with its wide branches and leaves were preventing moonlight from reaching the ground helping the soldiers who were sleeping. Krishna and Uddhava took a stroll in the moonlight. They went past the soldiers who were guarding. Uddhava was following Krishna with a profound silence. Krishna watched his friend’s face in the moonlight and sensed his nervousness.

Krishna pulled Uddhava to his side. “My dear Uddhava, I missed you so much in Dwaraka. Felt so relieved after seeing you in Karavirapura. But you don’t seem to share the same happiness. You have become different in these few days.” Krishna said tenderly.

Uddhava gave an imperceptible start, which Krishna did not fail to notice. “Do I look different? No! You must have mistaken, for, I was busy with the works in Karavirapura.” He said with a forced smile.

“Uddhava! What has come between us? You were invariably avoiding me in day time. You hardly look in my eyes. Every night we used to share our experiences of the day. After reaching Karavirapura, I used to wait every night for you but you never came. Have I done anything to offend you?” -asked Krishna.

“You....offend me!?!” said Uddhava, clinging to Krishna like a drowning man. “You would never offend me, and whatever you do, I will never consider it that way. Have you any doubt, Krishna?”- He asked impatiently.

“No, Uddhava. That’s why I want to know what troubles you.” Krishna felt a tremor passing through Uddhava. He drew Uddhava closer to him by the side and with his hands on Uddhava’s shoulders- “Tell me, my friend. I’m there for you, always.”

“What can I say? I don't understand it myself,” said Uddhava lowering his eyes to the ground.

“I will try to understand it for you. From the time when I reached Karavirapura I sensed something has happened to you. Something which has never happened before. Not when I’m with you.”- caring Krishna asked with tenderness.

“Nothing has happened to me. I was with you all the time. What would happen to me when you are there with me? Beside me. All the time.”- replied Uddhava with a forced smile.

Krishna smiled indulgently. “That’s what I want to know. What happens to my Uddhava when I am with him? What troubles him when I’m there for him? What happened to him when I wasn’t next to him? I see you feel a want, a sense of loss, a self-defeat - which you never did before. Tell me, Uddhava. Don't try to conceal it.”

Uddhava hesitated for a moment, sighed, and then spoke in a trembling voice –“I dunno. I am tired of life. I want to give up this life and return to Badari Ashram and...”- He paused as he was unable to express himself clearly.

“Why turn an ascetic, Uddhava? We are here to affirm life, to rise above it, not to deny it.”- said Krishna.

“You can do so, for you are a god. You are born to dominate life. But I’m not.”- said Uddhava helplessly.

“Life is meant to be lived. Even the venerable Parashurama said so. And both of us have lived it well so far. I know you were happy with me by your side always.”- said Krishna gently.

“Oh Krishna, I have no desire to live well. I feel like doomed. I have made up my mind.”- said Uddhava, his eyes were filled with a silent pathetic plea, appealing Krishna not to probe into his heart any further.

Though Krishna sensed the plea, he didn’t stop. “Brother, you can't be unhappy just because I want you to share your unhappiness with me.” Krishna stopped walking and turned towards Uddhava as a thought struck him. “Oh Dear, Have you become infatuated with Shaibya?”- He asked looking straight at Uddhava’s eyes.

Uddhava on listening to Krishna’s words hid his face on Krishna's shoulders and started sobbing. “Krishna, don't ask me.”

“Oh! My poor friend! Kamadeva’s arrows have hit you too! I understand your feelings. You know that she is pledged to Shvetaketu. So you wouldn’t take her away from him. You cannot live without her and at the same time you cannot have her. You, therefore, want to renounce life.”- said Krishna embracing Uddhava with warm love and care.

“Please don’t care for me Krishna. I have gone mad to not understand you. I have been sinned. I have been untrue to you and extremely selfish.”-sobbed Uddhava piteously.

“Uddhava, don't be so harsh on yourself. What you suffer is only natural. When the darts of Kamadeva pierce your hearts, it’s like fire. Whoever gets hit by it gets scorched.” - said Krishna considerately.

“I don't want only to be scorched by that fire. I want to throw myself into it and be reduced to ashes. You cannot understand what I feel. You can love the Gopis and leave them without a sigh.”- said Uddhava.

Krishna sensed that Uddhava’s accumulated feelings are turning into anger and he is speaking as if he hates himself for what he has done and he is throwing that anger and depression on Krishna. “It's not like that, Uddhava”- said Krishna quietly.

Uddhava got himself away from Krishna’s arms. He sighed and continued- “You are so different from all of us, Krishna. Be it in caring or in forgiving. I cannot live as a stranger to you. Not anymore. Though my guilt kills me from looking into your eyes, I also wanted to confess to you everything to you the moment you reached Karavirapura. You do not know how I have suffered since we left Karavirapura. Awake or asleep, I see her beautiful eyes full of tears before me. I see her in my dreams. And I feel like a crook when I think Shvetaketu and Shaibya are pledged to each other.”

 “How did it happen so suddenly?”- asked Krishna kind-heartedly.

“Does anyone know how a flower blossoms? I have no idea how I fell for her. Is it her looks or her elegant beauty or her charisma? I dunno. Something or everything about her allured me towards her right from the day I have met her in Karavirapura. After you killed the King, while we were in the town, I went to her place to see whether she was taken good care of. She was sitting on her bed with her face between her knees. When I asked her whether she wanted anything, her eyes, Krishna, it flashed an angry look at me. They looked so wonderful. My blood appeared to be on fire. I felt my knees going weak.”- said Uddhava.

“Oh! That’s Kamadeva fanning the fire.”- said Krishna generously.

     

 Uddhava paused for a while, sighed and continued-“'Call it what you will. Maids informed me that she has refused to eat or drink anything right from the moment of the death of the King. So I asked her to take some milk which the maid had brought. She took the cup from her hands and threw it at me. I felt that I must make her eat and drink something. So I stood there obstinately holding out another cup of milk for her to take. She glared at me. At last she took the cup from me and said in disgust, “You want me to take it. Very well, I will.” She drank the milk and handed back the cup to the maid. “Now please go and don't make me more miserable,”. I came away, but could not forget even for a moment the way she looked at me. Then every day I went to her twice, sometimes even thrice, and offered her food. Every time she would stare at me, take the food from me and after eating it, she would fold her hands and beg me to leave her alone. After seeing her daily, I felt myself floating in the air. The color of earth and heaven changed. You became distant too - almost unreal.”

         “Mmmmm. I became an unnoticeable dimmest star in your sky!”-Krishna said with a sly wink looking at the stars above in the sky.

Uddhava ignored Krishna’s act. “Every night, whether I’m awake or asleep, I see her. Her raging eyes with her eyebrows like an arching bow! Her gaze, it’s like it pierces my heart like an arrow on fire. Her cheeks, so pinkish, like a newly blossomed lotus. Her lips, gushing red, like a rose petal that’s with dewdrops. Her posture, her elegance when she walks, her long tapering bamboo like fingers, the charm…”-Uddhava paused to grasp his breath.

         “Catch your breath. If you would like, I will complete the description! –“the charm of a fascinating leopardess, growling in suppressed ferocity at my poor Uddhava!”- Krishna said with a mischievous smile.

         “Yeah, well! Tease me all you want, Krishna. You don't know how miserable I am. You don't know what happens to me when I get the feeling that she is not for me.” –Uddhava expressed like a loser.

         “Well, I knew that my friend is having trouble in sleeping and eating. He hardly sleeps. He looks at food like he lost his appetite.”-said Krishna in a generous tone, tapping at Uddhava’s shoulders.

           “My heart rebels with my brain. I wake up around midnight, after everyone are slept. I wander like a lost puppy. Her thoughts at night make me feel like a leaf trembling in a storm. Flames course along my veins. I feel a vibration passing through my body with a pain and I see her in my thoughts. I cling myself to her. ”- Uddhava said with shame faced.

Adhering to Krishna, Uddhava continued in a low tone, "I have fallen beyond reclamation, Krishna. Sometimes whenever I see her with Shvetaketu, I feel like stabbing him and carry her away. But I know it’s not dharma. Though I know capturing women against their will is also adharma, I feel like I’m stuck in a maze with no way out. I am sunk in vile passion, lust and greed and jealousy. I shouldn’t take away what is Shvetaketu’s. Also, I couldn’t give up on her. I have no right to accept your love too. It’s better if I renounce the world."

       “Oh! Uddhava! Even if you go to Badari Ashram, her thoughts will follow you in one way or the other. She will haunt your loneliness. You won’t be able to live in peace. To renounce world, you have to renounce women and live a life of verve.  You can’t live with her thoughts and at the same time renounce the world.”- Krishna said kindheartedly.

         “I want to forget women. At least Shaibya. Else I will go mad. How can I come out of it? I have never felt this way before.”- Uddhava said in a stranded voice.

Krishna was silent for a while and then in a quiet, affectionate voice,”Uddhava, whenever we are wounded by Kamadeva’s arrows, women become fire. We will be attracted like insects attracted to light source. Though we get enticed by the initial ephemeral warmth, the flames will set fire on us when we are moving towards it or when the breeze fans the light to us. So, you have to control yourself. “

“Krishna, I already fell like I’m almost burnt in the flames. Whatever is left will also turn me into ashes sooner. How can I control myself?”- Uddhava asked bitterly.

“Uddhava, the only way to do that is to keep the warmth but stay away from the flames.”-said Krishna.

“It’s easy to say so Krishna. But, how? How could I even stay away from her? ”- Uddhava replied desperately.

“Oh Uddhava, It’s the warmness that is intriguing you. Any women can help you knit for that warmness into your life. To stay away from it, just convert this wayside fire that’s giving warmness into a sacrificial fire. An altar.”-said Krishna.

“Why a wayside fire?”- asked Uddhava.

“Because, in this, you are only selfish. You only want that passing warmth. You don’t care what will happen to the fire once you have left. You don’t think or even consider how it will affect you though you know it will hurt you in the future. You don't want it to lead you to strength.”-Krishna expressed in a soft but firm voice.

“Krishna, please. Don’t talk to me in riddles. I’m not in the state to understand your riddles. Kindly explain me clearly so that I could come out of what I’m suffering from.”- Uddhava uttered helplessly.

Krishna placed both his hands on Uddhava's shoulders and with confidence in his voice he asked, “Do you really want Shaibya? Do you really want Shaibya for your life and hers?”

“I want her, but I will not be untrue to my friend, Shvetaketu. Nor to you. I don’t want to be deceptive.”-replied Uddhava.

“Great! You’re being truthful to yourself, Uddhava. That’s more than enough. Offer her the most precious thing that you can offer. Build an altar of devotion around her. She will give you the strength of the sacrificial fire. The sacrificial fire gives blessings only to the one who offers all, not to the one who demands all.”- replied Krishna.

“But, in that case, she will never be mine as I want her to be. The thought that she will not be mine, itself annoys me. I can only build altar around you. That too is now dishonored.”- replied Uddhava shaking his head.

“Oh! Uddhava, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Nothing has been dishonored. Between you and me, you will always be my same Uddhava, all the time. I will ease you out. Just answer my questions.”-replied Krishna tenderly.

“Would you like her to be the presiding lady of your family who will pass on your family traditions to your children? Would you like her to be the mother of your children? Are you prepared to bear the downs which you might face when you get to live life with her? When she grows old and gets sick will you still be able to warm yourself? Or, when your life is running out, will you still be able to warm yourself at the dying fire? “- Krishna paused expecting answers for his questions from Uddhava.

“Why do you even ask me these questions? I want her forever but anyways she is never gonna be mine. “-Uddhava replied hesitantly.

“That’s not the answer for my questions.”- Krishna insisted Uddhava for answers.

“I dunno. I have never even thought of those things.”-replied Uddhava.

“Then you are being selfish.  You only earn for the passing warmth. Think clearly and tell me. Do you really want her to be loved and honored by your family?-asked Krishna.

Uddhava stood annoyed-“How can I say? I’m baffled.”

“Uddhava, If cannot say it clearly, how can you esteem her on an altar?-Krishna’s words were starting to become evocative to Uddhava.

“It’s easy to say Krishna. Especially, for you! For you have done it easily with Mother Yashoda, Gopis and even with your soul mate Radha itself. I’m sorry. But I don’t share your insight.

“Uddhava! I do build an altar around every woman who enters my life. You and our brother Balram have scolded me for leaving Radha in Vrindhavan. I would never have left Radha for sure if I was going to be in Vrindhavan, as a cowherd guy forever. But when I was called to Mathura, as Vasudeva’s son, it would not have been an impressive idea to bring her along with me. Radha is like a delicate flower that blossoms in the spring where the surrounding is pleasant and peaceful. She would never have survived the hot winds of the life in Mathura. Moreover, even if she is in Mathura, she would never have found her beloved Krishna, the cowherd guy. And myself, if I remained as the love of her life, as her soul, then I would not be able to fulfill my mission of my life, my purpose. So I parted from her. She too knew it. Because, she is my soul. She has always remained as my sacred fire. And I have remained as the same for her. It’s the only way for both of us.”-Krishna explained the facts to Uddhava sadly thinking about his final meet with Radha.

“I wish we all had your wisdom Krishna.”-said Uddhava.

“Well I’m here for you, to share my wisdom. Man and women should live the marriage life that’s the root of Dharma. Because they are the one who show the meaning of dharma to their off springs. Don’t destroy dharma for a fleeting comfort at the wayside fire.”-Krishna continued with an authority. “You cannot create anything without a sacrificial offering. If you want a woman, you have to offer things like a house to live in and mainly lifelong protection to them and to the kids. That way, you will get her services. This offering is like the ghee we offer to the sacrificial fire. If you want a divinity to inspire you to Dharma, you must offer something that’s immensely superior to all other offerings. Like the God's words: 'By the spirit of sacrifice alone shall sacrifice prosper?'”

“Krishna, you have the wisdom to see things far beyond what any other humans could see.  I have always lived for you and always obeyed you. In this case too, I will follow your advice. Tell me what I should do.”- Uddhava surrendered to Krishna.

“Then my dear Uddhava, find yourself the answers for the questions I have asked. I know for sure Shaibya is a wonderful woman. But her rage at present makes things complicated for her. So she is not able to be even a wayside fire for you or Shvetaketu. So my best advice for you will be to build an altar around her. “- said Krishna.

“What you have said is very hard Krishna. It’s the hardest way. To stay away from her and build an altar.”-said Uddhava, with unhappiness.

“The hardest way is the best one Uddhava. It’s is the way for Tapas. Tapas gives the strength to purify the body and mind. We have a long way to go, Uddhava. We cannot desert dharma at situations like this. For if we desert dharma now, the life we live will become meaningless. We should not let these fires sweep us away from dharma. I say “we” in all because without you, I’m nothing. Without you, I will be helpless. It’s your faith in me that’s keeping me on the road of dharma. For, I don’t want to lead you into a path that will destroy your happiness and faith.”

Listening to Krishna’s words, understanding Krishna’s love and benevolence on him, Uddhava spoke with tears in his eyes- “Oh! Krishna, I’m not even worth for such affection from you. But for you have said now, I will make sure I will make myself worthy. Tell me what I should do.”

“Uddhava, tomorrow Balram is going with King Kukudmin to capture Kushasthali. Go with them. Staying away from her will help you to think and also makes things clearer and easier for you. You might even get to concentrate more on other things than always thinking about her and your feelings for her. Who knows, maybe, by the time you come back Shaibya might even be back to normal and realize the truth. She might even get married to Shvetaketu too. “-said Krishna.

“I know what you say is really hard for my heart to accept. But I will take your advice. For you’re the one who knows everything, both about the world and me. I will do whatever you say, even if it costs my life.”-Uddhava assured Krishna.

“Oh Uddhava, great things are done at the cost of one’s life. But again, I’m with you! Who can take you away from me? Do you even think I would let my friend to such a situation? Your burden is mine, Uddhava.”- said Krishna with a smile and hugged Uddhava.

Uddhava smiled back at Krishna with his heart’s burden being reduced to ashes and felt like a feather. Krishna wrapped his arms around Uddhava’s shoulders and they started walking back to the tent. Uddhava sensed a new dawn rising, both for him and the day.

Courtesy: Sri K.M.Munshi's “Krishnavatara”

Image Courtesy : Google Images